Mankeeping and Toxic Masculinity: Understanding These Terms And Their Mental Health Impact

Men’s wellbeing has been in sharp focus recently as a result of concerning statistics showing higher rates of “deaths of despair” among men relative to women. Two terms that have been trending online lately are “mankeeping” and “toxic masculinity,” and although they share some similarities, they have distinct definitions and characteristics that this article aims to break down. It will also discuss the mental health implications of both mankeeping and toxic masculinity for men, as well as for women and society more broadly.

What is Mankeeping?

Described as the emotional labor women disproportionately take on in a heterosexual relationship, the term mankeeping was coined by a Stanford student who wrote a paper on the impact of this on gender equality. The authors postulate that women end up compensating for the increased isolation and declining social networks among men by providing more social support to men than they receive in return, therefore causing an unfair burden on women to meet their partners’ emotional needs. Mankeeping is not just centered around emotional labor, however; it can also refer to the domestic or logistical labor women may take on for men (for example, making appointments for them or organizing the household) as well as for the relationship (such as initiating difficult conversations or planning dates). As a result, many women feel as if they are playing multiple roles in their romantic relationships–partner, parent, assistant, therapist–and that the responsibility falls largely on them to keep their partners and relationships afloat.

What is Toxic Masculinity?

Toxic masculinity refers to the harmful stereotypes describing “traditional” masculine roles and traits, as well as cultural norms and expectations about manhood. Some examples of these include emotion suppression or avoidance (e.g. “men don’t cry”); viewing vulnerability or reliance on others as weakness and aggression or sexual dominance as strength (e.g. being a “real man”), and promoting homophobia and sexism by mocking characteristics perceived as “feminine” or “gay.”

How Do Mankeeping and Toxic Masculinity Overlap?

Mankeeping and toxic masculinity can overlap and reinforce each other in many ways. For example, beliefs inherent in toxic masculinity such as emotions equalling weakness or domestic work being the primary responsibility of women can contribute to mankeeping by discouraging men to be in touch with their emotions or engaging in household care, causing their partners to carry these loads. Mankeeping also enables toxic masculinity by sheltering men from the responsibility or consequences of not learning these skills, contributing to an increased burden on their partners and an “overfunctioning/underfunctioning” dynamic often seen in heterosexual relationships. Both mankeeping and toxic masculinity rely on outdated and unhealthy gender scripts and cultural norms, which maintains the status quo.

What Are The Mental Health Impacts of Mankeeping and Toxic Masculinity?

The responsibilities that women feel the need to take on for men can cause dysfunctional relationship dynamics and reinforce gender stereotypes and inequality. It can prevent men from building social skills, learning emotional intelligence, or gaining valuable relational or life experiences. And if women are their male partners’ only support system this can exacerbate male social disconnection or prevent men from adapting to changing social networks and views around mental health. For women, mankeeping can lead to burnout, resentment, and social or mental health consequences, such as increased depression, anxiety; this article even describes women as forgoing dating and resorting to celibacy as a result. 

Toxic masculinity can also have detrimental effects on relationships and mental health. Men are at higher risk of depression, anxiety, and suicidality as a result of emotion suppression, loneliness and lack of social support, difficulty having intimate relationships, and reluctance to seek help due to stigma. These effects also negatively impact women by reinforcing gender stereotypes and inequality, increasing rates of gender-based or intimate partner violence, and preventing them from getting their emotional and other needs met in their relationships.

What Are Healthier Alternatives to Mankeeping and Toxic Masculinity?

With increased awareness, curiosity, and a willingness to challenge stereotypes and entrenched beliefs, it is possible to change unhealthy relationship dynamics or outdated gender norms and expectations. We can start by shifting the focus toward healthier traits such as empathy, leadership, resilience, emotional intelligence, and respect, and emphasizing the value of these more among boys and men. We can also prioritize self-awareness, constructive communication, conflict resolution, and emotion regulation skills and adopt more flexible views on roles and responsibilities within relationships. We can empower men to cultivate emotional literacy and women to set boundaries or expect more reciprocity in relationships. Finally, it is important to acknowledge that the success or wellbeing of one person or gender should not be at the expense of another, and that the more we view ourselves as interconnected, rather than separate from or opposite each other, the more we will all benefit.